Vanity of Vanities, All is Vanity

(this post was inspired in part by Dutch’s displeasure with Snoke’s demise and the lack of context in the MMOM discussion of The Last Jedi)

Fans are right to be irked about Snoke’s treatment because it is a symptom of the larger problem with The Last Jedi, which is that it renders much of the previous episodes meaningless. And it does so quite intentionally, reacting to the nostalgia of The Force Awakens, without ever coming to terms with the gravity of the film’s tragedies and the lack of hope and meaning in this version of the galaxy.

The audience of the TLJ is treated to one slow-moving failure of the Resistance after another and at the end is left wondering what the point of any of this is. What is the net effect of the Rebellion, Resistance, and the destruction of the Death Stars and Starkiller Base? Zilch, except that a lot more people (planets full!) are dead than if the Rebellion never existed.

From the opening scene, it is apparent that destroying Starkiller Base, while portrayed in TFA as a critical strike against the First Order, worthy of celebration, has been only a minor annoyance to the First Order. The First Order has assembled a formidable fleet and located the Resistance’s base in roughly the time it took Rey to hand a light saber to Luke.

So was it worth it to lose lives in the attack on Starkiller (and perhaps reveal the location of the Resistance in doing so)? The First Order no longer has a planet-destroying weapon, which is good, but it sure looks like they don’t need one anymore. TLJ doesn’t dwell on this question, but we do get a phone prank and some scrappy hi-jinks along the way as we watch most of the good guys die.

This is a bleak universe, where there is no such thing as a meaningful victory or sacrifice, just points of light struggling valiantly to hold back the darkness before the light is inevitably extinguished. Why should I care, in retrospect, about the Return of the Jedi when the defeat of the Empire only gives way to a weak republic that will last 20 years? And when it falls, it’s not just going to be a coup in the government, it’s going to be due to the destruction of several planets with billions of citizens on them. 

This is why an Episode 6.5 would have been useful or interesting. Thematically, it could help give meaning to the Republic and to the Rebellion that created it. There may have been some very good times. There may have been some important lessons to be learned, political and otherwise. 20 or so years of freedom and peace and joy and prosperity may be worth fighting for. But is it worth the cost of billions and billions of lives, if the bad guys are inevitably going to end up in power anyways?

And narratively, an Episode 6.5 might have helped explain why Snoke or the First Order is an anomaly and not an inevitable result of the flow of history in the galaxy. It is against this backdrop that the quick disposal of Snoke becomes more frustrating. In a vacuum, we don’t really need any more backstory or participation for Snoke than we did for Palpatine in Episodes IV-VI.

But Rian Johnson is effectively telling us that all the victories of the past didn’t really accomplish anything. Did you spend any time thinking about Snoke? Too bad, he’s meaningless, too, just like Rebel and Resistance victories in the past. Snoke becomes just another data point showing it's a waste of time trying to understand the physics and politics of the galaxy.

This is not just fanboys whining about not catering to their theories; it’s a director so intent on striking out in new directions that he manages to lose both a narratively coherent universe (that may be more of a failure of the Lucas story group)[1] and the larger themes of hope and freedom and meaning and purpose. Those themes are present, but the film doesn’t stop to consider them in light of the death happening all around them.

The surviving characters may still have hope, but we are given no reason to believe this hope has any foundation. At one point Rey says she wants to find her place in all this; what does Leia think about her place in all of this at the end of TLJ? Her place has been to give hope to a whole bunch of people, and that hope has led to pretty much all of them being dead.[2]

Now, there are good questions that could be asked: When it is better to die in a futile but noble fight instead of living under the yoke of tyranny? What really motivates individuals to do the right thing? What is our responsibility in the face of overwhelming evil? What is worth fighting for, really? How evil must evil be before you will risk billions of lives fighting against it? But TLJ isn’t interested in asking those questions. Instead we get porgs and a cheesy line about saving the things they love instead of fighting the things they hate.

That line would have been more believable if we had any idea of what the ideals of the Resistance are. All we really know is that they hate the First Order, which is capable of killing lots of people, enables arms profiteering, and permits child slavery and cruelty to animals, though it is not clear why the latter two are the fault of the First Order and not the Republic.  

There are a lot of things to like about the TLJ. Finn’s character has a satisfying plot arc. I love Luke’s isolation and regrets and the different perspectives from Luke and Kylo on what happened at his academy. And despite what I've written above, hooray for re-establishing that Star Wars should be more about characters than blowing things up. Everything with Rey and Kylo is great.

But man, what a bleak film, masked a bit by moments of levity. JJ Abrams will have his work cut out to convince me that the inevitable Resistance victory in Episode IX will do any lasting good. But those crystal foxes are neat.

---

[1] Not just mysteries about what happened to the Republic, new Force powers, how long it takes to learn to use the Force, or space bombers, but also and especially the Holdo maneuver.

[2] One benefit, I suppose, of this nihilistic outlook is that it makes it easier to believe that Leia and Holdo could so quickly forgive Poe (that rapscallion!) for his mutinous actions that led to the deaths of a large percentage of the surviving Resistance, since they were all going to die anyway.

Midnight at the Polynesian

[The following was inspired by a recent MMOM episode. With apologies to the many people I left out, and even more apologies to those I didn't]

It had been a chilly day, the kind of day that made Dutch regret his failure to bring any clothing other than a swimsuit, his signature blue polo shirt, and ragged green visor. He shuffled his mismatched Crocs to the edge of the pool for the tenth time that day, reminded yet again of how his daughter’s face used to shine as she frolicked in the water during warmer, happier times.

He fingered the steel collar on his neck and cursed Emperor Rosemergy once more. The collar had rubbed the back of his neck raw when it was first clamped on. The sores had mostly healed but Dutch grimaced as the collar bit into an open wound next to the electrodes inserted into his spine. He had grown used to the 10-foot glowing spire that marked the center of his new existence, but the pain from the collar still dazed him every time he moved.

Dutch realized that it had been two weeks since the collar had given him a crippling electrical shock. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He was glad to have escaped the unbearable pain, but it also meant he had not tried to escape or otherwise push the boundaries of his invisible prison.

He pulled out his phone and checked Twitter again to check up on his fellow prisoners at different places in the World. Howie had posted another ride photo from Splash Mountain, this time holding his phone over his mouth mid-drop, with a giant picture of a tongue on the phone. Another reminder that Howie managed to get two premium boatrides in his circle. Dutch didn’t have the heart to tell Howie that he didn’t actually like boatrides that much; mostly he just liked the catchphrase.

Russ was apparently still engaged in his long-running argument with Victoria & Albert’s management over the coat requirement. Russ had been so proud of his selection at the Grand Floridian, but his failure to bring a dinner jacket had dampened his enthusiasm considerably. Dutch had stopped urging Russ to buy a sport coat from Commander Porter’s weeks ago since he was tired of hearing Russ complain about the principle of the matter. A principle Dutch didn’t understand, something to do with the intersection of the Third and Eighth Amendments.

Wes was still trying to figure out how to get a jackhammer into Tomorrowland, and Kip claimed that tonight was the night he was really going to climb the pyramid. Sure thing, Kip. At least it sounded more interesting than last night’s activity of calculating the square footage of his beloved pavilion. Still no word from the two locals; that was good news, Dutch figured.

Right on cue, Emo Sports Tweeting Kivus Ren started flooding his inbox with a series of deranged messages. Half demanded to know the whereabouts of these locals. The other half contained reasons why Dabo was almost but not quite as good as Belichick. The tweets weren’t really that bad, all things considered, but then again the Pats didn’t play until Sunday.

Dutch shook his head again, wondering how someone as obviously unstable as Emo Sports Tweeting Kivus Ren could gain the trust of Emperor Rosemergy and then engage in a complex scheme that began months ago with a survey purportedly trying to organize a meetup. Months of anticipation had led to some measured amusement when Dutch and his internet friends found Emo Sports Tweeting Kivus Ren wearing a mask and commanding stormtroopers at the airport. Amusement had turned to horror over the next few hours as they began to realize that Emo Sports Tweeting Kivus Ren was deadly serious and had somehow obtained the shock collar technology necessary to imprison them in their chosen circles.

Dutch headed back to his room before Wishes began. He noted to himself that it had been at least a week since he had seen Wishes, a new record for him. Had his spirits sunk that low? Well, at least in his dreams he could be Viking, freed of the collar for short time. He nodded off, hoping for his favorite dream, the one involving three different brioche ice cream sandwiches and Soarin’.

A rustling sound in his room startled him awake. A hand clamped down on his mouth. His eyes slowly focused on an oddly familiar face in the dark room. “Shhhhh,” the apparition whispered. “Admiral Laycock is in the boat. I’m here to rescue you.”

(to be continued …. well, probably not, and almost certainly not by me)

Excellence in Execution

I recently participated in the Mighty Men of Mouse spring Disney attraction draft. Each of 15 teams drafted elements of a 2-day trip for @Litemandhyde’s family, which consists of Brian, his wife, a 5-year-old daughter, and an infant son. Each team had to draft 12 Disney World attractions or experiences, 6 meals, and 1 resort. Once drafted, an item could not be drafted by another team. The teams also had $1,000 to spend; each meal and the basic studio room at a resort were essentially “free,” but room upgrades and any attraction or experience cost (e.g., cost of a tour) had to be paid for by this $1,000. The actual rules were more complex, befitting a contest organized by an attorney and featuring several attorney participants.

Full draft results here. Round-by-round recap of my draft is here. Pretty fly for a Jedi's team summary is here. This post explains my goals and analyzes the results.

Goals:

1.  Focus on the daughter. It’s a two-day trip; we’re not doing anything the daughter can’t do. What kind of selfish drafter would choose to spend 1 of his 2 nights at Victoria & Albert’s while the daughter languishes back at the hotel room watching cartoons with a stranger?

2.  Go heavy on attractions. 2 main reasons for this: (1) In this draft, there would be more attractions and fewer restaurants and resorts than were drafted in the previous MMOM draft. I bet at least some who used the results of that draft won’t sufficiently appreciate the differences. (2) I know naps are important, but on a 2-day trip we’re going to be spending as much time as possible touring instead of lounging around a room or waiting for the 5^th course at V&A to arrive.

3.  Celebrate Diversity. I wanted to get a bunch of different kinds of attractions, paying special attention to shallow categories (e.g., nighttime spectaculars, parades).

4.  Get a good pool, but the actual room isn’t that important. Based on what we know about Brian and family from the podcasts, a good pool is essential. And so the two resorts sharing Stormalong Bay were 1 and 2 on my draft list. But 2 days isn’t really long enough that a family starts getting stir-crazy in small quarters. The room is place to sleep, nap, and shower. If I need some chill-out time, I can go hang out by the pool.

Results:

How well did I execute my plan? Well, I ended up with a pretty darn good draft—but as the title of my recap post indicates, I failed to get a good meet-and-greet with a princess. I stuck to my heavy attraction plan, and my six first picks were all attractions. Of those six, three (Splash Mountain, Festival of the Lion King, Muppet*Vision 3d) were specifically mentioned by Brian or his daughter in a positive light. And of the other three, one may be the most popular ride in the World (judging by waiting times - Toy Story Midway Mania), one was one of only two parades taken and was complimented on the most recent E-Ticket Report (Festival of Fantasy), and I’m fairly certain the daughter would enjoy the other, getting the works at Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique.

I also like the diversity in my draft. I got:

a.    thrill rides (Splash Mountain, Mission Space)

b.    boat rides (Splash Mountain, Friendship Boats)

c.    interactive rides or experiences (Toy Story, Agent P, Bibbidi Bobbidi)

d.    a parade (Festival of Fantasy)

e.    live shows (Festival of Lion King, Cirque du Soleil),

f.     a playground (Boneyard – have you ever overestimated how much time your kids would want to spend at a playground at Disney?)

g.    a nice air-conditioned theater show (Muppet*Vision 3D)

h.    sweet souvenirs for the whole family (MMOM T-shirts) 

Artist's Rendition

I did not get a nice story-telling dark ride, unless you count Splash Mountain, and I didn’t get any meet-and-greets. Brian listed meet-and-greets as his lowest priority, and I thought other teams wasted picks at the end of the draft taking greets with some of the minor characters. Still, my biggest regret was not taking Meet Ariel at Ariel’s Grotto when still available in the tenth round. I make up for it by shelling out for the premium Castle Package at Bibbidi Bobbidi, though, and the daughter isn’t going to have to spend any time crying as she waits for the adults to get back from a ride or experience she can’t do—no Dolphins in Depth tours or Victoria & Albert’s here.  

My second biggest regret was not getting a nighttime spectacular. But I took Cirque du Soleil, which is a pretty great way to end a night and which I thought was particularly valuable in this format. This show is universally praised, though I don’t personally know anyone who has actually seen it—it’s expensive and there’s so much else to do while you’re at Disney World. But in this draft, there isn’t much else to do (because other teams have drafted so many other options), and I hope Brian appreciates the chance to do something different.

I’ve never seen the pool at Kidani Village, but touring plans gives it 4.5 stars, which places it behind only Stormalong Bay and ahead of resorts like Bay Lake Tower and Polynesian. Of the other resorts with 4.5 star pools, arguably only the Grand Floridian (drafted twelfth overall) is a superior resort, though I’d also prefer Wilderness Lodge (#2 overall pick). Animals are fun, and I was happy to get Kidani in the seventh round. I upgrade to a spacious 807 square foot 1-bedroom villa for Brian and family.

As for dining, I hope Brian's family is like my family and wouldn’t want to have more than one table service meal per day. And though I waited a long time, I still got one fun sit-down dinner at Raglan Road and one fancyish dinner at Boatyard. Boatyard was a great value in the 14^th and from early reviews appears to have great food and atmosphere, and its high prices shouldn’t be a factor in this draft format. I know the daughter likes Pizza Planet, and the rest are places I’d like to take my family.

In the end, my diverse collection of experiences overcomes any shortcomings of the draft, and I bet Brian would be delighted with this itinerary.

But where are the princesses?

Team Houser Pain MMOM spring draft recap: 

Skip to the bottom to just see my draft results. Summary and analysis here. The items listed below as Other Choices are not necessarily items I was considering with that pick but items that were picked before my next pick and which I thought either were good values or would have been good fits for my team.

Going into the draft, I thought there was a clear top four based on the preferences Brian revealed in podcasts: Beach Club, Yacht Club, Wishes, and Splash Mountain. Sitting at seven, I didn't know what I'd do if all four were gone when my slot rolled around. The first three went in the first four picks, and I had to sweat out two more before I could take Splash Mountain with pick 1-7. Top attraction on my board, beloved by the MMOM, and the thrillingest thrill ride Brian and family seemed comfortable with. Nice long ride that can bear several re-rides. Also, a boat ride.

I took Toy Story Midway Mania next at 2-9 (24). I didn't expect this to be available here and jumped on it. Not mentioned by Brian on the podcasts, it's still the best ride in whatever category (e.g., dark ride, interactive, 3D, Toy Story rides) you want to put it in. A departure from my pre-draft plan, but still a good value here. Wish had fallen: Peter Pan's Flight (1-10), Illuminations (2-1), Cinderella's Royal Table (2-2). Other choices: Fantasmic (3-1), Enchanted Tales with Belle (2-10), Family Magic Tour (2-15).

With two great but different rides in the bank, I went for a live show and nabbed what I expected to be Brian's first choice in Festival of the Lion King (3-7, 37). Brian and his daughter mentioned this show positively, but I regretted the pick a bit when some other shows dropped. Voyage of the Little Mermaid was available in the 7th round, and Brian's daughter had an Ariel shirt on for one of his podcasts. Plus, I missed my last chance to get a nighttime spectacular here, as Symphony of the Stars went a few picks later. I probably would have chosen Frozen fireworks instead for the daughter, but either way it would have been a fine pick. Other choices: Tusker House (3-9), meet Anna and Elsa (4-2), Candlelight Processional (4-3). 

The Festival of Fantasy (4-9, 54) parade was my next choice. Here I was getting the best option left in the really shallow parade category, after Ken had made a good pick with the Main Street Electrical Parade at 2-11. I believe this was the last parade taken, though the only other two I had available were the Legends of the Force, which is of limited interest, and the Frozen Royal Welcome, which isn't very big. Other choices: Disney Jr Live on Stage (4-14), Journey into Imagination with Figment (5-2, appropriately by Team Figment).

In the 5th round, I went with Muppet*Vision 3D (5-7, 67). A few picks after Mickey's Philharmagic, in the same category, and Brian's daughter likes the Muppets. This was also a second-rounder--28th overall--in the previous draft, and here I knew the touring family likes it. Right now I feel like I'm killing this draft. Other choices: Living with the Land (5-15), The Seas with Nemo (6-4), Princess Tea Party (6-7).

I take my 6th consecutive attraction with Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique in Downtown Disney next (6-9, 84). I was set to take the Princess Tea Party, but it went 2 picks before me. Jeff had taken Bibbidi Bobbidi in the Magic Kingdom at 4-5, which was good value there. It would be nicer to be in Cinderella's Castle, but it's still special here. I'm going to end up going all out and getting the premium Castle Package for $195. Other choices: Mickey's Backyard BBQ (6-11), Le Cellier (7-1), Turtle Talk with Crush (7-3), Frozen Sing Along (7-5).

My plan for resorts had been to take Beach Club or Yacht Club if available with my first pick, Boardwalk or a Monorail resort with my second, or Art of Animation last. Contemporary was available for my second pick, but I couldn't pass up Midway Mania there. In the seventh round, I see Kidani Village (7-7, 97) still available and figure I might be able to save some money by grabbing it instead of waiting for Art of Animation, where I'd absolutely have to spend money to upgrade to a suite. I'll end up spending almost as much ($338) to upgrade to a 1-bedroom villa at Kidani Village, though if it were a real trip with my family, I'd be happy to spend less and get a standard room with a savanna view. Also note that Touring Plans gives Kidani's pool 4.5 stars; only Stormalong Bay gets 5. Other choices: Celebrate the Magic (7-10), Whispering Canyon (8-3), WDW Railroad (8-5).

I nab Cirque du Soleil - La Nouba (8-9, 114). This would rank way lower for a real-life two-day trip but is an absolute steal in this format, where I've got to spend that $1,000 and the opportunity cost is much, much lower, since I've got much fewer options to spend my time and money on. This is my best value pick, easy. I end up buying category 1 tickets (2d best out of 4 categories) and getting a babysitter for the infant; total cost: $358. Other choices: Holiday Sleighride at Fort Wilderness (8-10), Wilderness Explorers (8-12), Sleepy Hollow (9-1).

Just as I planned, I get Pizza Planet (9-7, 127) pabulum lunch for my first meal drafted. Er, at least Brian's daughter likes it. Perhaps I should have drafted Pizzafari instead and I could have had their traditional Pizzafari followed by Lion King Festival routine. Other choices: Sci-Fi Dine In (9-11), Casey Jr Splash & Soak (9-14).

I wanted one of the interactive kid games or scavenger hunts, so I took Agent P's World Showcase Adventure (10-9, 144) next. Wilderness Explorers was my top choice in this category and was gone, but Pirate's Adventure at 13-1 would have been a better value. I really should have gone Ariel's Grotto (10-11) here, which was the best meet-n-greet left by far, in my opinion. Other choices: Tomorrowland Speedway (10-15), Columbia Harbour House (11-5).

Finally I get a sit-down restaurant with Raglan Road (11-7, 157). It would be nice to claim a brunch here, but I need some dinners, and this should at least be a fun one for the whole family. And I could craft a little DTD narrative with Bibbidi Bobbidi, dinner at Raglan, Cirque du Soleil, capped off by my very last pick below. Other choices: Maharajah Jungle Trek (11-8), AMC Fork and Dine (11-9; could you claim Force Awakens premiere for this?), meet Tinkerbell (11-14).

I should have continued getting restaurants, but instead I swerved and price-enforced a bit by taking Mission Space: Orange (12-9, 174). This had gone 61st overall in the fall draft and gets high ratings for both grade-school kids and adults. It was also the last "thrill" ride on my list that the daughter can ride. Other choices: Splitsville (12-10), Main St. Bakery (13-4).

Time for another restaurant, right? Wrong. Time to get another attraction in a category almost by itself: the Boneyard playground (13-7, 187). If we go by Unofficial Guide kid ratings, this was a steal here, plus there's shade for the parents. I was happy to see the Honey I Shrunk the Kids playground go a few picks later. Other choices: Belle at France (13-8), The Wave (14-4).

I hope Brian has had time to appreciate the Boatyard (14-9, 204). Early reviews seem positive, with the biggest negative (price) not being a factor for this draft. Brian can have a sweet steak dinner in a relaxed and interesting environment. Other choices: Braves spring training game (14-11), La Hacienda (15-6).

I continued playing word association for my next pick: Boneyard-Boatyard-Friendship Boat (15-7, 217). It's a boat ride. Other choices: Earl of Sandwich (15-14), Meet Gaston (15-15).

Four rounds left and I need three meals and one more attraction. I go Sassagoula Floatworks (16-9, 234) for breakfast here. Beignets! Other choices: Gaston's Tavern (16-12), Brown Derby Lounge (16-15).

I once listened to a certain podcast in which the host claimed that the Pot Roast Mac & Cheese at Friar's Nook (17-7. 247) was his single favorite food item in the Magic Kingdom, so I decided to pick that for lunch. And this host loves him some Disney food; of course, he probably also chose 102 other single best food items at the Magic Kingdom. Other choices: Les Halles Boulangerie (17-10), Behind the Seeds (17-15).

My last meal is breakfast at Boardwalk Bakery (18-9, 264). I'm stretching here. Breakfast Bread Bowl looks like something I would like, and there should be plenty of tasty pastries. Other choices: Wolfgang Puck Express (18-10, 265).

Our trip ends with designing Mighty Men of Mouse t-shirts at Disney Design a Tee (19-7, 277). Am I just trying to curry favor with the judge here? Yes, yes I am. But Brian and family get to go home with a nice souvenirs so they can remember this, their best vacation ever, and my budget allows even the infant to get a shirt. Other choices: Family Silhouettes (19-8), Flag Retreat (19-13).

To recap:
1. Splash Mountain
2. Toy Story Midway Mania
3. Festival of the Lion King
4. Festival of Fantasy parade
5. Muppet*Vision 3D
6. Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique (at DTD) - Castle Package
7. Kidani Village - 1 bedroom villa
8. Cirque du Soleil - La Nouba - Category 1 tickets
9. Pizza Planet lunch
10. Agent P's World Showcase Adventure
11. Raglan Road dinner
12. Mission Space: Orange
13. Boneyard
14. Boatyard dinner
15. Friendship Boat
16. Sassagoula Floatworks breakfast
17. Friar's Nook lunch
18. Boardwalk Bakery breakfast
19. MMOM t-shirts at Disney Design A Tee

Test

This is a test as a first post.

I'm fairly new to listening to Disney podcasts. At first I thought #MMOM103 was kind of petty. After all, a man's got the right to earn a living. But then I saw this.